The little girl you see in the photo is Femmie who is 2 years old. Here I was purely connected with my my soul’s desire – North Node – and my intuition – Black Moon. As you can see, I stood with both legs Fearless and with a zest for life in life itself. Ready to take the stage and show the world who I am. As I got older, went to school, other experiences came my way and “judgement” set in; this slowly changed. My Fearlessness got replaced by fear and my zest for life for feeling limited.
From feeling anxious and limited to Fearlessness and Zest for Life
Being bullied has played a big role in this change of feelings. And especially “rejection”, which is the breeding ground for bullying. Because that’s what bullying essentially does: rejecting the person who is bullied, how this person behaves and what they desire. In other words, the true essence of a person is rejected. As a result, this person starts to mistrust their own essence and becomes separated from it. I think many of you can relate to this. To some degree the inner essence all of us has been rejected, some more often then others. But maybe you never made the connection with bullying.
The unconscious judgement
Although I thought I had dealt with this energy, I recently came to realize that there is another deeper layer in my shadow regarding to this trauma. Who wants, and may be seen and transformed. This was unexpected and therefore all the more confrontational. It was something that I thought I had solved and of which I subconsciously thought I had to “be done with”. It was this judgment that acted as a wall to keep my feelings out. To – instead of truly feeling – reason and analyze everything I experienced.
But just as the waves of the sea are more powerful than any obstacle they encounter, so were the waves of my feelings. They blasted through my resistance and this wall of judgment has been knocked down. And I also came to discover that I still project a lot of judgments on myself and my outside world. Without really being aware of it. I also noticed that although I would like to get my message out, I am still anxious about actually doing it; to really vocalise it for both a group and an individual. Afraid of being too much and/or weird and therefore to be rejected. As a result, I sometimes still withhold myself from expressing I think and/or feel. Because of which I then form my own story in my head, judging the situation and everything I do.
Judgement covers up our true desire
For example, if I choose to write an article, I think I should take some time off. When I take time off, I feel useless and tell myself I have to work harder to make my dreams and desires come true. All in all: it’s never good. There is always something to criticize about myself by myself. Partly because I have become so used to ignoring and not naming things I feel or notice. Because in the past there was not always time and/or space for this or was rejected. And eventhough I am not living in the past anymore and I can make my own rules, I still repeat this limiting behavioural pattern myself.
This relates back to the period when I was bullied: people always had something to say about me. This has happened so many times that I have internalized it. Which made me withdraw and think less of myself. While what I actually really want and desire is to show myself and to have a Zest for Life again. To see life as one big playground in which I fall and get up again. Wave and say hello to everyone I want to. Just because that idea comes to mind. Just like when I was 2 years old.
Who am I?
I also found that although I long for this very much, there is also a fear and great judgment resting within me to be who this person I genuinely am. You may be wondering now who is she then really? 😉 I define myself as a spiritual being, an Angel to be precise. Even as I type this, I feel anxious to share this. That anxiety and a judgement arises within me: that this is strange to say and ridiculous. Because that was what I’ve once been told. I was laughed at and people looked strange at me.
But if I don’t acknowledge this to myself and say it out loud, I subconsciously keep myself in my alter ego: a pattern based judgement and on past experiences. Where I am someone I think I should be. With desires and ambitions that I think I must have in order to be accepted by those around me. While the only approval I need is my own.
Conscious awareness is the first step towards transformation
And although I have been aware of this fact for a long time and live by it, this month I could very clearly experience within myself that I was explaining things with my mind about why I experienced what I experienced and that I was projecting my judgement about it upon others without acknowledging my own part in it. And that as a result, an important part of who I really am stayed covered. So I am very happy with this realization, because it has brought me even closer to myself, made me more aware of my own behavior and especially the behavior of my thoughts.
How can I transform my limitedness back to my Zest for Life and my anxiety back to Fearlessness?
- Step 1 is this recognition to myself
- Step 2 is looking at this with love and compassion instead of with judgment
- Step 3 is feeling what this does to me
- Step 4 is to allow feelings of fear and limitation as they rise to the surface. To let this come over me and to stay consciously present with them. Without trying to push them away or explain or judge them with my mind
I can and want to take the time for this. So that I can rediscover every step that I have ever skipped and take myself by the hand every step of the way in my processes. Because it’s when I ignore my feelings and “just do” something, I start to feel sad, stagnate and get disconnected from who I genuinely am.